Monday, October 11, 2010

Newly Orphaned....

I wanted to vent and rant on here yesterday but I'm guessing there is a reason I wasn't able to log on yesterday....

Family is something I wasn't really raised with. So the little family that I DO have I hang onto it like shit on Velcro. Well yesterday something was made very clear to me, and in return my life has now been forever changed. I was raised mostly by my mother. My parents were never married and as I grew older it was quite clear to me that they would never be married, which was okay. My dad was an alcoholic up until about 2 years ago. Was it good that he was like that? No but I loved my daddy regardless and I had accepted him for who he was and that was all that mattered to me. He and my step mom got married shortly after he became sober.

Now I love my step mom very much she has shown me alot of love and kindness as if I was one of her own. Well I began to notice that her grand kids were there with my dad and her alot more often. I had asked my dad to help me look and/or buy a horse of my own as my keystone died a few years ago. Now as of lately my dad takes them fishing, camping, buys them clothes, boots, their own horses, you name it. They are his kids more than I am. And it really hurts. Sometimes maybe I want to go riding with MY dad alone but that never happens. Then as of late my step mom has become "territorial".

This past weekend Brian and I attended the C4CR roping event that is held every year for cancer research fundraising. The night before I worked until 330am, came home slept then woke up to meet Brian's folks for breakfast at 7 then came back home and slept some more, however we over slept so ended up showing up at the arena around 11 almost noon. Now I've been around this kind of life almost my whole life, despite my mothers efforts to keep me away from anything cowboy. So when I get there I immediately am ready to work, I put on my gloves and jump in the help with the chutes. I guess I pissed on my step mothers territory because not soon after she stuck up her nose in the air and walked off. I didn't understand why she was behaving this way, thought we could all work together but I guess not. I would try and joke and talk to her but she just gave me this fake half assed smile almost as if to say "fuck off". Now that was just insult to injury. After only being at the arena for an hour I couldn't handle it anymore I had to go. I said I had to leave for work and off we went. I was so upset but I held it together.....barely.

On our way out we ran into my Aunt and another friend of ours who let us ride her horses which automatically made me feel better. I don't know what it is being horseback but that cures any ailment. When it was actually time for me to go to work, my step mother was there and once again I tried to joke and talk with her and once again she gave me that smug. She didn't even give me a hug good bye or look me in the face, yet she gave Brian and hug and kiss goodbye. Once we left I broke down in tears. I was crying so hard and uncontrollably Brian had to pull over to calm me down.

How could she do that?!
I've never done any harm to her or her family never the less the fact that how could my dad allow that to happen?! I want to spend time with my dad but anytime I try to plan something he already has plan with her and her family.....

Everything I wanted from my dad they are getting not me. I must say it hurts. I haven't been able to have a good solid relationship with my own mother as we butt heads but now my daddy was taken away from me as well. I really felt orphaned and abandoned. Brian's parents have been wonderful and taken me and I love them so much. Brian now says he knows why I am the way I am.

People tell me to tell my dad how I feel but I can't bring myself to do so... He is happy now and I don't want to be the one to ruin that. I almost understand how my half brothers and sisters felt for so many years of how close my dad and I are or should I say used to be.....  and here this is happening days before I am to be married. I was so incredibly excited to have my daddy walk me down the aisle and my mom and step mom there in peace and happy for me. Now I am dreading having them all together as I can already picture the fake smiles and gestures knowing that deep down they don't even want to be there.

Will this empty hole and pain ever go away????