So its Christmas Eve and I am writing this from work. Nuff said. As hard as I tried for some reason I just could NOT get into the holiday spirit. But I had no reason NOT to be happy? I have a job that allows me to pay for everything (as much as I despise it here) I have my husband home safe and sound away from war. I have a home and a truck that runs, food in my fridge and clothes on my back. My doggies that I love dearly. Both my parents, Brians parents and our friends. I am so extremely blessed!! So I need to snap out of it ......
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Brian handed me the "deployment guide" last night.
I don't know about other military wives but watching them pack is a horrible feeling. This sinking feeling deep in the pit of your stomache. You want to rip everything out of the rucksack. You want to just cry hysterically but you end up helping by folding or washing or just watching. You have the TV going but your not really watching. Your phone is going off and you occasionally respond. You have the laptop on just to try and distract you from having to watch them. He jokes and laughs but you just don't know what to do, its obvious you aren't finding any humor right now but you go along with it anyways. Your mind is racing. You think of anything he could possibly be forgetting and he says "I know babe I got it don't worry"... but you DO worry. Your mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts. Memories of what the last one was like, or if this is your first thoughts of how your going to get through this.
The only thing I can thing to say as he packs(besides the tears I try to hold back) is ........
"I'm gonna miss you"
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Ahhhh yes this one is extremely over due.... You could say we are really busy lol. But I won't hesistate here now.....so we'll start with the updates:
We're married now :) I can honestly say it feels so amazing to be called Mrs. Worley now!
Granted its still taken some getting used to (especially when it comes to signing my name) but i'm loving every second of it! We've been officially married a month and 2 days but who's counting ;) Our wedding, while small, was beautiful and memorable. I cannot thank everyone who came enough for making our day that much more special and meaningful to us.
Our littlest girl shyanna is growing up... entering her first heat (aw)!
Brian is extremely grossed out but its rather hilarious to see her around the house in diapers lol. He says its practice for when we have kids. So I practice throwing the dirty diapers at him hehehe.......
There seems to be "peace" among my family. well between my parents anyway. My mother's family said they disowned me. Hmmm guess they didn't get the memo where I completely cut myself off from them about a year and half ago. I tell you family doesn't have to be blood related. I am better off with out them and their drama.
Brian is training... due to leave. soon. NEXT TOPIC.................
We are working really hard on getting outta this place. It has its moments but we've been here forever. There actually is LIFE OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!
My work. Hmm. There's so much I could say about my work. but then again you'd hate it too ;) still applying at any available place to get outta mvrda. got my fingers crossed.. cross yours too please?
Brian and I have been working out as well trying to get ourselves back in physical shape again.
For a while there, I was mentally out of shape? Alot of stress can put someones body through more trauma than you could imagine. I have a hard time dealing with stress and lucky I found a prayer book that has helped me so much. I know that God has always watched out for me. but I was forgetting that he needed that favor in return. So now I leave it all up to him. When something happens in my life now I just think "well okay" and put my faith that he knows what he is doing, even at times when I don't know what I am doing....
Well. Thats it for now. I will try my hardest to do better at this posting thing. till next time....
Love, peace and chicken grease
Monday, October 18, 2010
So this is the last time i'm going to be going to sleep as a "Lucero"... Tomorrow I will become Mrs. Worley..... YIKES lol Don't get me wrong... I am absolutely over the moon right now (tomorrow I will be over the galaxy lol) I am going to marry my best friend and soul mate. The kind of stuff I never used to believe in. Whodathunk? lol Now I have gone through so much stress this past few weeks mostly from work and its really starting to take its toll but thats ok.... cause just like everyone has told me before ..... it will all be worth it all in the end! I am full of nerves. Not so much as "what i'm getting myself into" that i'm not worried about... its more "will I be enough?" I know i'm not perfect at all ..... but I know that I want to do my best by him. Honor him, love him unconditionally, feed his belly, and keep a smile on his face even on his hardest days..... I just can't believe its all really happening.... Granted it was rushed, thrown together but it still means everything to me. I know tomorrow won't be anything fancy to those attending but I hope they will enjoy it and its gonna mean so much to me and Brian to all who show up. We plan on saving up for a big fancy wedding ....cause everyone deserves a big fancy wedding ;) I am starving, exhausted, my friggin eye hurts and I have so much to do even tomorrow... i'll prolly be puttin stuff together to the moment it starts lol Wish us luck! Love Peace and Chicken Grease!!!!
--Sunne (last time Lucero soon to be Worley) :) :) :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
today started not the best other then waking up to my beautiful wife. then a long day at work. i got all my appointments made that i needed and i find out on friday when i will have my knee surgury. i have got to be the luckiest man in the world to have someone like sunne rae. if it wasnt for here then i would not have last all the weight that i did. she pushed me so hard and always told me that if i put my mind to it i could do it and so far she is right. well talk to yall later i love you baby so much and once again thank you for everthing.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I wanted to vent and rant on here yesterday but I'm guessing there is a reason I wasn't able to log on yesterday....
Family is something I wasn't really raised with. So the little family that I DO have I hang onto it like shit on Velcro. Well yesterday something was made very clear to me, and in return my life has now been forever changed. I was raised mostly by my mother. My parents were never married and as I grew older it was quite clear to me that they would never be married, which was okay. My dad was an alcoholic up until about 2 years ago. Was it good that he was like that? No but I loved my daddy regardless and I had accepted him for who he was and that was all that mattered to me. He and my step mom got married shortly after he became sober.
Now I love my step mom very much she has shown me alot of love and kindness as if I was one of her own. Well I began to notice that her grand kids were there with my dad and her alot more often. I had asked my dad to help me look and/or buy a horse of my own as my keystone died a few years ago. Now as of lately my dad takes them fishing, camping, buys them clothes, boots, their own horses, you name it. They are his kids more than I am. And it really hurts. Sometimes maybe I want to go riding with MY dad alone but that never happens. Then as of late my step mom has become "territorial".
This past weekend Brian and I attended the C4CR roping event that is held every year for cancer research fundraising. The night before I worked until 330am, came home slept then woke up to meet Brian's folks for breakfast at 7 then came back home and slept some more, however we over slept so ended up showing up at the arena around 11 almost noon. Now I've been around this kind of life almost my whole life, despite my mothers efforts to keep me away from anything cowboy. So when I get there I immediately am ready to work, I put on my gloves and jump in the help with the chutes. I guess I pissed on my step mothers territory because not soon after she stuck up her nose in the air and walked off. I didn't understand why she was behaving this way, thought we could all work together but I guess not. I would try and joke and talk to her but she just gave me this fake half assed smile almost as if to say "fuck off". Now that was just insult to injury. After only being at the arena for an hour I couldn't handle it anymore I had to go. I said I had to leave for work and off we went. I was so upset but I held it together.....barely.
On our way out we ran into my Aunt and another friend of ours who let us ride her horses which automatically made me feel better. I don't know what it is being horseback but that cures any ailment. When it was actually time for me to go to work, my step mother was there and once again I tried to joke and talk with her and once again she gave me that smug. She didn't even give me a hug good bye or look me in the face, yet she gave Brian and hug and kiss goodbye. Once we left I broke down in tears. I was crying so hard and uncontrollably Brian had to pull over to calm me down.
How could she do that?!
I've never done any harm to her or her family never the less the fact that how could my dad allow that to happen?! I want to spend time with my dad but anytime I try to plan something he already has plan with her and her family.....
Everything I wanted from my dad they are getting not me. I must say it hurts. I haven't been able to have a good solid relationship with my own mother as we butt heads but now my daddy was taken away from me as well. I really felt orphaned and abandoned. Brian's parents have been wonderful and taken me and I love them so much. Brian now says he knows why I am the way I am.
People tell me to tell my dad how I feel but I can't bring myself to do so... He is happy now and I don't want to be the one to ruin that. I almost understand how my half brothers and sisters felt for so many years of how close my dad and I are or should I say used to be..... and here this is happening days before I am to be married. I was so incredibly excited to have my daddy walk me down the aisle and my mom and step mom there in peace and happy for me. Now I am dreading having them all together as I can already picture the fake smiles and gestures knowing that deep down they don't even want to be there.
Will this empty hole and pain ever go away????
Saturday, October 9, 2010
hello world this is my first time on here so i just wanted to say hi and let everyone know how my day was. This morning was great i woke up to my whole family my beautiful wife sunne-rae and the dogs. we spent most of the morning in bed playing around and i was so nice. the wife and i went out and took care of some things that we need to do for the wedding. Sunne took me down to old mesilla and it was the first time i had ever been there it was nice there were some old cars there for a car show. then we went and had a nice lunch and i took my beautiful wife to work then i when tp chaparral to see my parents and have dinner with them it was so nice to see them and they are so happy that sunne and i are going married. my family and friends think that sunne and i are met for each other it nice to see that we all can go out and party together and have so much fun. sunne baby you are the best thing that has ever happend to me and i want to thank you for everthing that you have ever done me. i am going to do the best thing i can to make you the happiest woman, wife, and mother in the world i love you with all my heart and i am so lucky to have someone like you in my life. well everyone it has been nice i will talk to you all later i love you Sunne-Rae
Friday, October 8, 2010
Waitin on laundry to finish. My i'm the queen of procrastination! Gonna have to stay up almost all night to finish the laundry i've put off all week before Brian comes home tomorrow. Although this horrible pinched nerve in my back isn't exactly helping....
Sheesh I still can't believe I almost died a few years ago. Hell i'm surprised I wasn't at least paralyzed
Sitting in a chair for 12hrs straight a day isn't exactly healthy or good for someone so I need to start moving around some more. In fact thats my goal. I really want to get back into shape. I used to look good. Granted I will never be 110 lbs or skinny enough for certain clothes but I can get TONED. And I'm gonna do it I am... just need to quit procrastinating and do it to it.....i'm just a bit too much on the "fluffy" side.
Speaking of fluffy Diesel and Shyanna are doing their bonding time driving me bonkers. No more squeeky toys for dogs. Winter coats are coming in as the weather is beginning to change. Cold mornings are here :)
Well Boys and gals I am gonna watch a few movies see if I don't pass out here on the couch with the mutts. Gonna leave ya'll with a video I took from this past weekends Rodeo... It brought tears to my eyes as I've never heard this played so beautifully! Till next time.. love peace and chicken grease.....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Yup. I do NOT want to go to work today. I am perfectly happy being a hostage to my pillow and blankets.
Today I got a nice long text message from Brian and its great we still write long messages to each other just expressin our feelings. Call him whatever you want I think its a REAL man who can express themselves to the ones they love. I grew up with guys my whole life, I get the whole male macho crap but honestly a man who can be cute with his wife (or the one who has his heart whoever they may be to that person) in front of guys or anyone is a REAL man.
ANYWAYS he was tellin me what an experience it was to see the WWII, Korean and Vietnam memorials. He was astonished at how the entire city of Washington DC was built AROUND the White House lol. While at the Vietnam memorial yesterday he sent me a text wishing I was there because he really needed me.
THAT broke my heart. I wish I could have been there I would have given ANYTHING to be there. But although I wasn't there physically I was there in his heart as he was in mine. I know he needed to bear those emotions on his own but he was never alone I never left his side and I never will :)
He said it made him proud and honored to be there among those who have died defending our country, and I told him I was proud of him to because he LIVED for our country.
America is not created necessarily so we can put each other down, call each other names that show how different we are. Of course we are different, thats why so many other countries, religions and regimes want to take that away from us. Us as a nation shouldn't try to change their ways either I don't believe. We don't want to be changed so why are we changing them? Granted there are those leaders who want to become the next hitler and wipe out all those who "don't matter" and those people SHOULD be shot and hanged. But again we are not God, we are not the ones to determine someone else's fate... that is up to God. Should we try to right the wrongs? Of course. But I personally believe we need to fix our own country before we go stomping through someone else's grounds like a bully trashing a little kids sandcastle on the beach. Our own country is rotting from the inside out. We have people who are starving, veterans who are homeless (some our own age!) children not getting the healthcare they need, woman who are having to sell their bodies to put food on the table or feed their own addictions. We have people who need jobs but can't find them so they steal from others just to get by..... There's so much that needs to be done and yes you can't help everyone but at least try?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slept so well only to be woken up by the annoying (yet fun song) of my alarm from my cell phone. Ok I lied I was actually woken up by the sweet voice of my love calling from his flight in Chicago. He could only talk for a second or two to tell me he landed and had less than 20 mins to get to his next flight. I could hear the sound of frustration in his tone but I didn't book the flight the Army did lol.
Squeezing in a few mins of sleep between snooze buttons has become a routine for me lately. I never used to be like this, once I was up I was up. Now I do find myself getting lazy.... yknow not wanting to dishes, stuff like that and again I never used to be like that. Granted there are times where I didn't care but I used to take such pride in my home, no matter how small or cluttered it could be. Don't get me wrong, I still take alot of pride in my home its just with my current job I have become so drained. Physically, mentally and emotionally I am just UGH. I LOVE what I do, there is nothing more rewarding that helping someone in need, but its the PEOPLE I work with that make me want to burn the building down. They are so negative, so hateful, so spiteful and two faced its rediculous. They say its the hours that make the turnover rate so high and I beg to differ. Yes I do work TOO much but alot of it is my fault for signing up for overtime (That OT pay gets addicting). With Brian home now I want to spend as much time with him as I can ... especially since he may deploy again soon. Now when he was deployed last time I didn't mind working all the time it wasn't like I had anything better to do? But lately that place is going to hell in a fiery handbasket.......and honestly I don't wanna be around that anymore. Its starting to bleed over into my everyday life and no offense but my relationship is worth more than my job. Alot of the officers and a few other people who used to dispatch say that this profession breeds fat and bitter people. How sad is that?! The average "lifespan" of a dispatcher is about 3 years.... i'm hitting 2 so its about that time.
Long story short: For the last 2 days ...ok yesterday I spent all day applying online for a new career. Fingers crossed I find something soon before I just up and quit.
So I go back on the grind today.... Keep all matches and lighters away from me please.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I just about died laughing.... I would PAY to see that in person on a random day
So this is my first blog attempt.
I ... don't know what to talk about lol. I guess the first thing is well hi!!! Hubby is on TDY to a few places this week along with Sgt Marques. I'm REALLY happy for him considering he really needed a break. He gets to see his old TC from Iraq whom he considers a mentor to him. He really looks up to that man in so many ways. I think if anyone could get Brian to do something it'd be Ssgt Hoskins....and all he has to say is "Worley, my wife likes small diamonds" lol. They soon will head to Walter Reed to see another buddy of theirs "Stewie" who was severly injured also in Iraq. Both of them are excited to see both of these men who have impacted their lives so much. Had it not been for Brian and Sgt Marques... the other two probably would not be alive to this day. They don't see it this way though, and it rather astonishes me. They simply shrug it off and say their did their job....
Either way he is getting a paid vacation. Lucky turd.
I on the otherhand have been a bum on the couch for the last two days eating ramen soup and chips. I kinda admit working about 60-70hrs a week really catches up to you. So bumming around in PJ's eating junk food is kinda refreshing. Although the Army Wives reruns are getting old. Guess its time to put in a new movie. Till next time boys and girls.....