Sunday, July 31, 2011

One day at a time....

Today was hard. My sister and I decided to see our great friend (my "BFF") off as he deployed today.
*Sigh* these things aren't easy. Granted it wasn't my husband but he is still my family and it still hurts.

But we did well in a sense that we didn't cry when we said our "see you laters" nor did we cry when we dropped another buddy off at his barracks... we DID bawl our friggin eyes out right after that. I'm so glad she went with me..... She made it alot easier to deal with, even though it's not really EASY anyways. We spent a few hours on post, took a walk and just tried to wind down. Deployment days are physically and emotionally draining I am so tired.

On the way home we had a really great discussion:

My sister and I are not blood related. she is like a best friend but more. Anyways, she grew up with a Marine mother and Navy father.... nuff said. I grew up with a mother who grew up on a farm and a father who grew up on a ranch. Yet I am the one who married the soldier. She told me today that she doesn't think she could survive the deployments, trainings, TDY's and other things... that she admired the women who do. She asked me how I do it.... I simply said:

"One day at a time"

One day at a time is all I can do.

Lately I just don't have an appetite...but I make myself eat, even though it may not be much.
I don't feel like sleeping...but my body is tired so I lay down till I can eventually relax enough to sleep.
I don't want to work, clean or do anything BUT I do it.

I think that deployments when you have children have to be a little easier. Not in a sense that it's easier being alone without the love of your life, but the fact that someone NEEDS you. Like my dogs... they are all I have but they NEED me. They need to be fed, walked, played with, loved etc.... so it gives me a reason to get up in the mornings (even if I don't want to). If I had a child and Brian was deployed, it'd be easier because it would keep me busy, and get myself down to a routine that would help with the separation. Yes it would be hard because I'd be doing it all alone but the fact that I know I have to keep striving, to keep going every single day because someone depends on it.... makes the drive to survive the deployments that much easier and feasible.

That's my opinion. I guess when we have children and if/when Brian deploys my feelings or opinions may change.....

All I know is that I pray for every one's safe return soon, especially my BFF<3

Tonight's Song:


Saturday, July 30, 2011


I thought this week would NEVER END!!!

What an AWFUL week! It was topped off with an evil centipede finding refuge in my living room, sucker did NOT want to die!!!! now i'm paranoid... FML

I miss Brian like crazy. Right now my biggest thing is that I feel guilty. My husband is gone, yes. He is working in a field that is dangerous, yes. BUT he's not deploying (although it feels that way). We've gone through a deployment before so this has some familiarity but it's not the same and I feel guilty. I've met some amazing women who are also stationed at Bliss, and they are going through another deployment... yet this time we aren't apart of it. I am grateful my husband is at least in the states and we can talk often but I too hurt....yet I feel like I cannot say anything because a wife of a deployed spouse can take that the wrong way and go off the deep end.

Brian feels the same way as well. He is hating that he is having to stay behind while his battle's leave. I don't know how to go about this feeling......


How do we stay behind while what was once our world goes on without us??? Brian is still "enlisted" in RESERVES not active duty... but its two different worlds. Everything is meant for a reason but this reason is leaving me in the dark, alone and in very unfamiliar territory. What I wouldn't give for things to make sense again... and even that makes me feel so guilty. I wish I could find solid ground again, to be able to get back to a sense of normal, something to make me feel less paranoid, or just plain ol happy.... Tomorrow's a new day and a new week. One day at a time.....

Tonights song:


Bruises and Tears......


This has GOT to be the worst week ever. Tonight, due to us being so short handed I was the only officer on duty..... FML It was the night that would NEVER end! Not only was I so friggin busy that I had to pend ALOT of calls for the AM but I was off duty late, I slammed fingers, hands, banged and bumped my head, my legs, shins, knees, elbows.

And WTF!? EVERYONE was catching dogs today.. BIG dogs, AGGRESSIVE dogs, what a bloody mess... literally.

AND to top it all off I was volun-TOLD that I was on-call tonight. Yay go me.

So here's to little to NO sleep, up at the ass-crack of dawn to take daddy out for his birthday, grab some groceries, then off to work ANOTHER shift alone. Thank god it's my "friday" tomorrow. One more day and i'm gonna put myself in a cage.

Tonight I cried. Mostly out of frustration. Seems like when Brian is gone is when all shit goes to hell really fast. The whole crap with my neighbor, then my work, my owies, all the housework, dishes piling up, laundry all over the place, dog kennel is a mess, yard needs work, and possibility of deployment coming...... Jeez. When it rains it pours....Well right now its BUCKETS on me, not raindrops BUCKETS. Nights like this I would give anything for Brian to be home, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut he's not so guess what?! looks like mama's gonna have buck it up, suck it up and hup to.....

Tonight's Jam:


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Pre-meditated Murder................

Is sounding really good right now.............

I get home tonight from... hoping to be able to relax off duty... to the sounds of my neighbor banging on mailboxes TAUNTING my dogs!?


He has said in the past that they bark alot... Okay lets "break this down"


Yes they are dogs, they BARK. I have been home when they are outside in the kennel all day they DO NOT bark ALL THE TIME.

They bark: When they see something (rabbits, quail, stray dogs, the shadows from the trees or me coming home, strangers)

THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My neighbor messing with my dogs is not gonna help it! *sigh* Why has this been such a shitty week?! Really fate?! REALLY!?

Ugh I don't even wanna think about tomorrow.......

Tonight's song: (I am hating life right now BTW)


Worst. Night. EVER (so far)..............

Nothing like plowing a dog with your unit to add to the week......

Dog is fine. I am fine.

but really fate?! REALLY!?

Talk about shite.

Long story.........

I wanna cry into hubbies arms and just have him tell me "it's gonna be okay" but he's not here so I shall cuddle into my laptop and hope tomorrow is better....

Sorry this isn't a good post right now my mind is fried and I am so upset and no one to vent on...

Tonights song:


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Thunderstorms and bloody paws......


Just as it sounds lol. Today was just ONE OF THOSE DAYS. Nothing was going right, everyone was pissing me off..... I just wanted to park and hide and sleep away the rest of my shift.

Slowly came down from evil-ness when it cooled off and began to sprinkle. Of course that ended but it was calm and quiet I loved it. For hours I watched the 3 different storms around me.... dark rolling clouds, distant thunder and sparks of lightning. As the sun faded the lightning got brighter and my stress dwindled, a bittersweet moment for me as I am always stressing. It's moments like this I miss him even more but the silence of being alone and no one else around is a guilty pleasure.
Of course this was all ruined by a feral dog I had to impound that went flippin ballistic. Pup was biting the bite stick and doing death rolls (look em up on google- alligators do em) that it gave me quite the workout. Blood all over my pants and bite stick I guess was the cherry on today....

*Sigh* I would love another thunderstorm right about now...... and chicos tacos.

Tonights Song:


Monday, July 25, 2011

My GTL......

GTL: Gym, Tanning, laundry.....

While this is the "normal" meaning for GTL.....

To a wife who's husband is gone it means "Get up, Try to move through the day, Lie on the bed but never actually sleep"

With Brian gone again, I am having to re-learn life before him. Does NOT mean he has been replaced or removed. He's still apart of my life but in order to "carry on" I have to do every thing now.

EXAMPLE: Things on the very top shelf
BEFORE: "Briannnn can youuu get THAT pweeeze!"
NOW: Get chair (that is half broken) climb on that, climb on counters... Mission Accomplished

I have to admit. I don't know how I got through life before him. I mean I KNOW cause I was very independent at a young age but now that I'm married it's like the other half of my very BEING is gone and I must learn to make up for it.... it is TWICE as hard but I can do it. I have to because if I don't I will fail. Mistakes will happen, i'll cry, i'll get pissed off, i'll get frustrated, etc... but hey thats all apart of the journey to becoming a stronger wife who's husband is gone.

Tonight's Song:


Sunday, July 24, 2011



Has anyone ever SEEN this show?! Oh holy hell! I do NOT get how these husbands could even THINK about marrying these women!? Here's an example:

I don't understand why people go bazerk over a wedding day. Seriously, its ONE day. Granted its something we all dreamed about as little girls and on my wedding day BITCHING and STRESSING is the LAST thing I ever wanted to do. I even drank before to help me chill out.

Also.... Spending a ton of money WTF!!!! It's on shit you'll never USE again whyyyy people!?

I guess i'm a cheap date lol. Well day one was a fail. I am very unmotivated, sad, mopey, blahhh. I didn't sleep but a couple of hours, but I did go out to a friend's babyshower and hung out with my best friend. It was nice and weird at the same time. It's crazy how much I couldn't wait for my husband to leave because we were fighting so much but now that he is gone I want him back. C'est la vie.

Tomorrow I am going to try and be motivated. Do some laundry, hit the gym.... one day at a time. 



Well. Brian is gone for a few months. He left today. Yes I cried but not in front of him i'm very proud to say! Granted this isn't a deployment but it still hurts, he's still gone and i'm still sad. He has gone for training for his new job and so it's just me and the muttski's for awhile. .....

I feel I won't be sleeping much for awhile....

Yes i'm being a baby and I don't care. Just frustrating for me because it's not a deployment people think I shouldn't be sad or say things (via FB) because others are going through a deployment .... ugh IDGAF

So here's my lullaby for tonight....


Monday, July 18, 2011

Never leaving high school....

I seriously believe I am back in high school..............

Between drama from wives on post

to drama between hoe bags I know in real life.....

It seems like this crap will never end!


To many girls I know who have their nose shoved up in the air and up their own asses infuriates the living hell out of me. And I wish so badly I could punch some of them. But I guess I have to let life do it for me!

...........I don't have much to say today... my mind is tired and heavy with thoughts. I shall post another day when I don't get pissed off just seeing some girl's face. 


Thursday, July 7, 2011


So. i've gained some freakin pounds.

Not too thrilled or happy about it.

Especially since all my friends are thin and when i'm in uniform I look TWICE as big.

So Here's my Motivation list:

1- get to fit in the thousand and some pairs of jeans that are up in the closet that you've saved.....

2- Bra size goes DOWN (I  hope)

3- Finish your tattoo

4- Fit in the thosand and 1 shirts again that are also in the closet

5- lookin better than any buckle bunny hoe bag that you know (and thats ALOT of em)

6- Impress hubby :)

7- CONFIDENCE back - or at least have some again

I can do this! Today is day 1: Weight in: 165 - YIKES!!

well.............gotta start somewhere????