While today was a little stressful and what not in my mind... it was a bit clouded.
Brian sent a few nice and meaningful text messages. I was happy he got my little care package that I sent him while he is away. Been thinking alot today and it's been a long thought.
I want to fix things with my husband but with him gone........... I don't know HOW or even if we can?!
That hardest thing I guess is putting myself back out there again.... I tried so hard and when things began to fell through I felt myself pulling back into my shell that I get into.
I don't do well with bad things in my life. I may have to be "tough" but I am quick to build a wall around my heart and just because I am married I don't see myself from NOT doing that anymore. I protect my heart like a mother bear protects her cub....
Either way I have issues thinking lately...... especially since I just about burned the house down just now.... (left a pot of boiling water empty)
*sigh* bedtime is gonna come early I think. Instead of 3am i'm gonna shoot for 1am hahah
..............................Where the F**k do I start!?!
In "Normal" situations we could go to marriage counseling or therapy or happy hour or something...
But.
He's gone?
No idea where to start. We want to fix things. We BOTH want things to be as they used to be. Granted things will never be the same because WE are not the same. We've said and done things and have changed.....now the challenge is to change with it, let our marriage change, evolve and grow.
There are some personal issues I have within myself that I feel the need to correct..... I think if I can heal myself I can help heal our marriage. I know Brian has to do the same but his are a little bit more difficult to deal with so I guess I can leave it be. Regardless, someday (I hope soon) we can sit down and work through this together. But for now is finding where the "slack" is in our marriage. We don't work as a team and we need to. This marriage is more than he or I - it's US and WE need to UNITE to figure this shit out.... Here's to hoping for really fixing things this time around.....
My head is itchy today... I wish It was my left hand.... old wives' tale: itchy left hand= money. Lord knows we could use it.
Gonna start looking around for some assistance here for marriage counseling or some kind of therapy that will accept the fact that it'll probably be just me for now till he can either come home or some other arrangements can be made.
Gonna watch "Interview with A Vampire" and dream of things that'll never happen
Sometimes I can't help but remember how wonderful it was to be a newlywed.
what it was like to be so head over heels mushy-gushy in love......
Now that awful feeling knowing that moment has gone and disappeared.
Now we strive for that feeling and moment again but at the same time wondering if we're better off.
I fear what once was is now lost forever. It scares me.
Do I want to give up? -yes Can I? -not really.
I wish I had a single sign or guidance of some kind. I sure feel so alone and lost and I just wish things would be different. I can't help but think back and wish to change things..... Never had so many regrets before in my life and suddenly it's every little thing. I heard this song (Tonight's song) and it fits. I want that happiness back again. I wanna feel that love again. I am so burned out and tired......
I don't want to fight anymore
I don't want to argue anymore
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to feel helpless or alone anymore
I don't want to feel lost or stressed anymore
I don't want to be living paycheck to paycheck with 2 incomes anymore
I don't want to be unhappy anymore.
Today was hard. My sister and I decided to see our great friend (my "BFF") off as he deployed today.
*Sigh* these things aren't easy. Granted it wasn't my husband but he is still my family and it still hurts.
But we did well in a sense that we didn't cry when we said our "see you laters" nor did we cry when we dropped another buddy off at his barracks... we DID bawl our friggin eyes out right after that. I'm so glad she went with me..... She made it alot easier to deal with, even though it's not really EASY anyways. We spent a few hours on post, took a walk and just tried to wind down. Deployment days are physically and emotionally draining I am so tired.
On the way home we had a really great discussion:
My sister and I are not blood related. she is like a best friend but more. Anyways, she grew up with a Marine mother and Navy father.... nuff said. I grew up with a mother who grew up on a farm and a father who grew up on a ranch. Yet I am the one who married the soldier. She told me today that she doesn't think she could survive the deployments, trainings, TDY's and other things... that she admired the women who do. She asked me how I do it.... I simply said:
"One day at a time"
One day at a time is all I can do.
Lately I just don't have an appetite...but I make myself eat, even though it may not be much.
I don't feel like sleeping...but my body is tired so I lay down till I can eventually relax enough to sleep.
I don't want to work, clean or do anything BUT I do it.
I think that deployments when you have children have to be a little easier. Not in a sense that it's easier being alone without the love of your life, but the fact that someone NEEDS you. Like my dogs... they are all I have but they NEED me. They need to be fed, walked, played with, loved etc.... so it gives me a reason to get up in the mornings (even if I don't want to). If I had a child and Brian was deployed, it'd be easier because it would keep me busy, and get myself down to a routine that would help with the separation. Yes it would be hard because I'd be doing it all alone but the fact that I know I have to keep striving, to keep going every single day because someone depends on it.... makes the drive to survive the deployments that much easier and feasible.
That's my opinion. I guess when we have children and if/when Brian deploys my feelings or opinions may change.....
All I know is that I pray for every one's safe return soon, especially my BFF<3
What an AWFUL week! It was topped off with an evil centipede finding refuge in my living room, sucker did NOT want to die!!!! now i'm paranoid... FML
I miss Brian like crazy. Right now my biggest thing is that I feel guilty. My husband is gone, yes. He is working in a field that is dangerous, yes. BUT he's not deploying (although it feels that way). We've gone through a deployment before so this has some familiarity but it's not the same and I feel guilty. I've met some amazing women who are also stationed at Bliss, and they are going through another deployment... yet this time we aren't apart of it. I am grateful my husband is at least in the states and we can talk often but I too hurt....yet I feel like I cannot say anything because a wife of a deployed spouse can take that the wrong way and go off the deep end.
Brian feels the same way as well. He is hating that he is having to stay behind while his battle's leave. I don't know how to go about this feeling......
*sigh*
How do we stay behind while what was once our world goes on without us??? Brian is still "enlisted" in RESERVES not active duty... but its two different worlds. Everything is meant for a reason but this reason is leaving me in the dark, alone and in very unfamiliar territory. What I wouldn't give for things to make sense again... and even that makes me feel so guilty. I wish I could find solid ground again, to be able to get back to a sense of normal, something to make me feel less paranoid, or just plain ol happy.... Tomorrow's a new day and a new week. One day at a time.....
This has GOT to be the worst week ever. Tonight, due to us being so short handed I was the only officer on duty..... FML It was the night that would NEVER end! Not only was I so friggin busy that I had to pend ALOT of calls for the AM but I was off duty late, I slammed fingers, hands, banged and bumped my head, my legs, shins, knees, elbows.
And WTF!? EVERYONE was catching dogs today.. BIG dogs, AGGRESSIVE dogs, what a bloody mess... literally.
AND to top it all off I was volun-TOLD that I was on-call tonight. Yay go me.
So here's to little to NO sleep, up at the ass-crack of dawn to take daddy out for his birthday, grab some groceries, then off to work ANOTHER shift alone. Thank god it's my "friday" tomorrow. One more day and i'm gonna put myself in a cage.
Tonight I cried. Mostly out of frustration. Seems like when Brian is gone is when all shit goes to hell really fast. The whole crap with my neighbor, then my work, my owies, all the housework, dishes piling up, laundry all over the place, dog kennel is a mess, yard needs work, and possibility of deployment coming...... Jeez. When it rains it pours....Well right now its BUCKETS on me, not raindrops BUCKETS. Nights like this I would give anything for Brian to be home, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut he's not so guess what?! looks like mama's gonna have buck it up, suck it up and hup to.....
I started this blog as a way to jot my thoughts down. I used to be a writer and hope to spark that creativity again. I work in Law Enforcement - on the Animal Control side. I enjoy livin the country life and all the blessings God has given me. Married to my best friend along with 3 "Furbabies". Proud Army Wife and now starting a new path as a Truck driver's wife as well. Music inspires me and so does life. I love pictures and pickles.
