Saturday, August 20, 2011

Missing "Me"

I know they say you change as you get older. I know it for a fact. The way I think, act, and look all tell me so. It's funny how I look back and see how much I have evolved as a person.

For starters:

~I cannot finish a 30 pack on my own anymore.
~I cannot stay up all day, night and then some.
~I cannot go all day without eating
~I cannot go without sleeping at least 5 hours (even that isn't enough)
~I cannot pick fights with everyone......... hahah just kidding, I still do that.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my life the way it is now. Granted with responsibility comes stress and lord knows we could all use a little LESS stress..... But with my "old" life I lived without an ounce of responsibility. I surely regret that now (DEBT!!!) but then again you can't live life with regrets, just remember the lesson and don't ever do that shit again!!!

In my "new" found self I now can:
~live on a budget
~save my liver a little more everyday
~not go insane on booze, instead I know my limits
~KNOW when to pick a fight

The point is I sometimes miss my "old" self. Not in how much booze I could put down or how much I partied because we all know I could hang with the best lol No I miss my self esteem I used to have... even though it wasn't much. I miss the drive I had,  I miss my creativity, my old body, my wild and silly self. I was always giggling, laughing, smiling and seeing the good in everything.

I keep wondering if life has sucked that out of me? With all of my "mistakes" I have made so far in my life I had to deal with some unwanted consequences and in doing so it seems to have made me pessimistic? I really want that part of me back. I want to smile a genuine smile. I want to close my eyes, feel the sun on my face, the breeze against my hair and feel good about myself. I know I need to reach deep down inside and find myself again. I really do. Perhaps if I find the good in me again, it will bring the "good" in my life again.....
Was cleaning out the bookshelf and found my old "books" I wrote of poetry. Here's an old entry:

Close your eyes
And think of my face....

I'm Smiling

Open your lips, speak with your heart
and you can see my soul....

I'm Waiting

Place your arms around my waist
and you can embrace my uncertainty....

I'm Shaking

Press your lips against mine
and try to catch me...

I'm falling

Tonight's Jam:



KimmeeMee said...

I feel you, Sunne Bear, I really do. Your blog may as well have been written by me. I miss the free, worldly force of nature I once was. Now I feel like I've grown into a washed out fool. =( If I wrote a letter to my sixteen year old self it'd be depressing for sure.

BUT. There is no life rule that says you can't go back. I guess as we get older, we just think we have to work so hard at everything... so we try too hard to go back. When really... all we need to do is stop trying and just be. What makes it difficult is the not-trying part.